My AB/DL Self

This is a bit of a 'coming out' post for me.

I guess I haven't felt the need or the want, or maybe prior to the past year or so, it wouldn't make much difference.

My story begins in 1969 at age 3 yrs. when a few weeks had passed after I had been switched from a crib to a 'big bed'.

I guess subconsciously I had resented being switched, and of course my younger sister Marie, had just been born in January 1969, so I had to make room for her. However, I was not ready and flexible at the time to accept another sibling and be forced to grow up a bit.

One day, while my Mom rode the Metro Winnipeg Transit North Main trolleybus to downtown, she had my Baba (my grandma, her Mom) to babysit me.

Possibly because my Mom had refused allowing me back into the crib, I think I may have grown a friendship with Baba.

It was so long ago that I don't really remember this incident. The story was told by my Mom in the 1986 period, when I had 'come out' to her about my Adult Baby self.

I had asked Baba to put a cloth diaper on me and to place me in the crib for a while, until my Mom returns.

When Mom returned (early?), she noticed that I was still in the crib, and that I was wearing a cloth diaper.

Baba told Mom, "He (still) wants to be (a) baby".

Mom, in her infinite, naivety, returned the favour, and told her "don't encourage him in this behaviour".

Some time in 1969/70, I would be laying on my bed, at the foot of it, and my hands would be under my head, ... I'd be staring at the ceiling, thinking about my day. Sometimes I'd see blobs of black, large orbs, floating in front of me. Other times I heard adult voices, not voices of my Mom or Dad...if I heard them it was because they were arguing....No, these were adult voices, there were 3 or 4 of them, that I didn't really recognize. They were about middle-age...40s to 60s... They would repeat to me "pee in your bed before you sleep". I told them that I wanted so much to do this and that I needed to pee in my bed between 3 and 5 days and then Mom would maybe put me back into diapers.

I realized decades later, that these were my Spirit Guides ... Daniel, Moonwalker (Catherine Jaworski), Pete, and Clarabelle.

I was hesitant, because my Dad was not the kindest person, and my Grandpa (his Dad) was not nice...he had this mean looking stare...another relative years later said the same thing about my Grandpa. So I was terrified that Dad would tell his Dad that I wet the bed and that I was back into diapers. I was terrified of Grandpa's possible judgmental reaction. Why couldn't I have had grandparents on Dad's side that I really loved, and weren't scared of their reaction?

I yearned to be a baby again. I did not understand these intense feelings of wanting to be like this again.

So, after that, I was on my own... Baba would come over to babysit Marie and me, and Mom would go downtown to The Bay and Eaton's... I'd locate one of the plastic pants, then undress under the bed, and put a pair of plastic pants on me. ... this would have been in the 1971 period. Baba would not help put on a diaper on me, as per Mom's instructions. I'd crawl out from under my bed, with an errect penis from within the plastic pants. I stood there for maybe a minute or two, then went back in, to take off the plastic pants, and to dress back into my regular clothes. Baba would serve us a meat sandwich (salami, balogni, etc...) with orange pekoe tea with milk, and that'd be it for another day. This would happen once per month.

I remember there were quite a few thunderstorms during the Summer of 1971. I remember because it seems these would happen whenever Baba would babysit us. I was terrified of the thunder. Anyways...
 The next year, 1972, Baba got her first stoke. She spent a few days at our house, sleeping in the spare bedroom in the basement.  I remember Dad not wanting her to stay there. I feel that if Dad had allowed her to, possibly she would have lived into at least the early 1980s. But... moot point now.

After that first stroke, Baba was different. She did not move as fast, and Mom told me not to play too rough with her.

I got the idea to play "bus" with her in the basement. I'd set up a few chairs and she'd show me her senior's ID pass. Afterwards we'd have a meat sandwich and tea, just like before. But things were just different.

Baba passed away in 1973 (40 years ago this month), and I still miss her. Out of all my grandparent's, she was the closest to me because of putting me back into the crib, of of making me lunch. She bought me nicer clothes than Mom did...Bought toy trains and stuff that I really enjoyed.

In 1976 when I was 10 years old, the arborite and chrome highchair was in the basement, and so on a few occasions I had gone to the basement, and stood near the highchair. I imagined myself climbing into it, and sitting in it... I was worried however, that if I did, I'd be too big, and so I didn't go in it. Just held that fantasy in my mind.

November 1978, I had 'come of age'. Mom and Dad were gone to an anniversary or something and Dad's mother had babysat us. While The Love Boat on ABC Television was playing, I went to locate a couple of cloth diapers, and put them under my covers. I found a couple of pins in the bathroom drawer.

After about 11 pm I went to my room, and flattened out the diaper, without seeing it, in the darkness. It must have been positioned sideways, because it would just not "fit" properly. I gave up.

Skip forward to September 1981, this was my first month in Grade 10 high school. Mom was working once per week at a woman's home, helping to clean up after she had conducted a cooking course. Pat and Marie were both at elementary school. Dad was at work.

Approximately once per week I had a 'spare period', where I could go home early at about 13.30h. This was on Tuesday, because The Winnipeg Sun's community newspaper, The Mirror, was being delivered to households in the River Heights area.

I had the whole house to myself!

So now the cloth diapers were in the basement. I was a bit scared going down there all by myself. I mean, what if I seen Aern the Jinn. So I slowly went downstairs, and I found two cloth diapers in the laundry room. Found the two pins, and went to my room to put it on.

Oh, man was this so exciting to me...Why didn't the diaper fit back in 1978? I must have put it on sideways....Ouch! Oh well, I'm still young...

I put some powder on my diaper area, and masturbated while I wore the diaper. Found out decades later that this is 'normal' behaviour for those who do this type of stuff.

I'd do this every Tuesday, or every second Tuesday when everyone would be out of the house except for ME!

A year or two later Mom quit the cooking course help, and so I had to switch my strategy.

In the years 1981 and 1984 I had learned how to use the washing machine and drier. Life skills no one taught me otherwise, right Mom?

In 1984 I would have to wait until my family went to Polo Park Shopping Centre, usually on a Saturday afternoon to wear a cloth diaper and to wash the one(s) that I had wet. Because I didn't want anyone to know about my ...err...hobby... I couldn't just go downstairs and use their washing machine. So I waited...and waited...sometimes they didn't go to Polo Park or Grant Park...

August 1984 I was helping Dad deliver the 1984 Fall-Winter edition of the SEARS catalogue. I remember this was on a Friday because it was prayer meeting night, and I wanted to finish Renfrew St. before 6 pm to have Supper.

Weeks earlier I had spotted a glass Evenflo baby bottle on the kitchen shelf above the oven. All I needed was a time when the family was out and I could make some baby formula for myself and enjoy the taste again!

Tonight was the night...

So very shortly when everyone had left, I got the baby formula off the shelf, and put some milk, water, and corn syrup in it. Put it in a saucepan and heated it on HI for about 8 to 10 minutes.

While that was happening I put on a cloth diaper and then returned to the kitchen... I was 18 years old at the time, but I felt much much younger at the time.

 I went over to the b'droom, and began to suck baby formula in the bottle. It was just sooooo tasty... Sooooo good for me.... I loved every bit I drank.

What happens if urine soaks on a fabric, and if it is not cleaned within a certain time...it starts to shred... Or was that because I experimented with the Bleach?

All of the cloth diapers were pretty well in shreds...I had to throw them all away.

In 1985 I was left with using spare undershirts and pinning that on me.

On May 2, 1986, on the night of the opening ceremonies of Expo '86, I went to the Tuxedo IGA on Grant Avenue, and purchased a pkg. of large Huggies diapers. This cost me a bit as I was not working at the time.

The Huggies were too small for my almost 20 year old body, so I had to hold it in place by pinning a cloth diaper on top of it.

I remember going to another high school course like this, with of course a pair of jeans on top.